What have you lost? Did you really lose it or have you just misplaced it?

As I was preparing for a client session, I spent a little time thinking about their situation and how they are feeling about what they are going through.  This gives me a moment of perspective to really understand their pain.  Many times, when I'm coaching or prepping, my intuition kicks in and I know the question(s) I need to ask to get to the root of the problem.  Many times, I even shock myself how the question I ask, was just the right one at the right time to create the environment to let go of the hurt and the pain and start the process for healing.  

Anger comes from hurt and hurt comes from loss or perceived loss.  You don't have to actually lose something to feel loss.  When we suffer a loss, eventually, there will be some feelings of anger and that's ok when the anger is dealt with in a healthy manner.  What made me write this blog today is that I wanted to ask you a question and have you think about it until you come up with the answer for yourself.

If you've struggled again and again with relationships, or if you've experienced great relationships in the beginning and then they almost always fall apart, what is going on?  This is a loaded question.  There could be a million things going on and it might not be your fault at all, unless this cycle happens time and time again.  I just want to address loss today.  I'm talking about losing yourself

Have you lost something in your life that was really important to you?  Have you lost yourself?

I've had the opportunity to work with several clients who are married.  I love working with couples because there are always hurts or pains in the relationship that have stacked up over time and the coaching session is a place of safety and freedom to expose the struggle and let go of the pain.  Recently, when coaching a client, I asked him, "Who did you used to be when your fiance was attracted to you?"  "What did you give up or lose along the way that changed her mind about you?"  Those questions stopped him and he struggled to come up with the answer.  As he thought and the silence became awkward, the words came out.  He revealed the changes he had made to make his spouse happy, but in the end, he lost parts of who he was.  And then he lost confidence in himself which made him less attractive and less desirable to her.  

The idea made me curious, so I asked others who have struggled with relationships if they ever gave up things that they loved to do or parts of who they are to "please" or "appease" the other person and the answer was yes several times.  

The problem with losing something is that it will eventually produce some kind of anger or resentment.  Then there will be struggles to deal with it in the relationship.  

The phases of any relationship are Romance, Power Struggle, Stability, Commitment, and BLISS.  Most relationships end in the power struggle because they either cannot give up any more of themselves or they have given up too much and start to fight back or start to resent the other party and then find a way out.  

The best relationships happen when both people give 100% and each one dies to their own selfish needs; however, don't die to WHO you ARE.  When you lose yourself, the results are never what you want.  You will be miserable.  

Chris Buckley

Sioux Falls, SD